11:57PM

Sometimes you meet someone who sets your soul on fire. It is very rare, but it does happen. And the blaze burns relentlessly, etching itself into every fiber of every membrane of your being - down to your very core - altering every corner of your existence. You cannot escape it.  To a large degree, you will find that there is not much you can do about it. There is no rationale governing the synapses and no clear scientific explanation as to why things are the way they are. Nothing adds up. It just happens. Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's something else... Destiny. It reminds me of a photograph I once took of a spectacular sunset with Mount Vesuvius in the background. Mt. Vesuvius is famous for the volcanic eruption that drowned Pompeii in ash, only to be re-discovered centuries later. Locals believe and expect it to erupt once more, any day now. It's unpredictablility echoes in the halls of tempestuous probability - in much the same way that Destiny cavorts on t

At some point this week, I was sitting by myself staring blissfully out of the window... blissful because for the first time in a long time, I didn't have something requiring my urgent attention. And naturally, I did what I do best. I began to think... specifically about the kind of life I spent years meticulously crafting. Thing is, from the time we're born, we're told that settling down and having bonafide roots are not only what we should aspire to, but something that we cannot function without. It's a birthright. They say. And anything other than that is simply not acceptable by any standard.  I started thinking about my life over the decades, and that no matter how much I tried to play by the rules and follow the norm, I was always thrown off course... sometimes violently, most times against my will. Why then, did I persist? Why even try? Why reach for something that's not there, was never there - something that was never even meant to be on the radar

I'm always making fun of the male species but to be completely honest, some of my best friends and confidants are men. Some have been around for years since my blogger and early Facebook days and others have been around for decades - way back, from my school-loathing days. They're the ones I go to for advice, when I need to think clearly, or just to vent. But most of the time, we just catch up on this thing called Life. The conversations are always honest, insightful, heartfelt and funny, and leave me in a better place - grateful that God has allowed these people into my life. Their presence reminds me somewhat of this structure "The Treasury", in Petra... solid, perennial, unwavering, enduring. (There are women too, from those same days: School, Uni, London, Blog, FB). You all know who you are.  It's wonderful to be able to share our lives with people from all over the world, at varying intervals. It's what truly connects and binds us - weaving the t

The very first time I went to Sweden, I walked around for two days in a daze. My brain struggled to comprehend the reality I was in because it was the epitome of everything I was taught to want and desire my entire life. Even the roadside Swedish wild flowers instantly took me back to my childhood in the 80's, growing up with my Uncle in my Grandmother's house in Johannesburg - watching Heidi on Sunday afternoons with the smell of Ma's rosemary and thyme pot roast and vegetables wafting through the air.  He is barely 3 years older than I am, so we spent most of our lives together like siblings - often marvelling at this remarkable thing called destiny. He looked at me that day, and asked what was wrong. "Nothing" I said... because how do you explain your life flashing before your very eyes, while simultaneously feeling a nostalgia for a place you have never been to before - yet feel like you've known forever? Three years after that day, and we were ba

In every place I visit, my mind wanders in the historical depts of the eons, forever wondering what people were like over the centuries in that place - imagining all the people that were tormented by their time and circumstances, those that have loved and lost, those that overcame and triumphed.  The truth is, for the vast majority, life was a trial plagued by poverty and disease and people were lucky if they lived past the age of 30. These romantic notions we have of a golden age and what once was is flawed and inaccurate. But... still... but... I can't help feeling that life is easier when the focus is on surviving every day and not accumulating and hoarding things... When what matters is being alive and not what car you drive.

Sometime this weekend, it hit me that it’s been a year since my life was turned upside down. The realisation startled me only because it’s been one of the worst years of my life, filled to the brim with betrayal and every other kind of deception – so it’s difficult to keep track these days. The devastating thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy. It only ever comes from the people we love, trust and cherish the most. And at first, it leaves you reeling, gasping for air, a knife in the gut while you grapple with denial. No, this person wouldn’t do that. They would never… they didn’t… did they? And then come the dreadful questions and existential angst. Why? God? Why? Why would they do this to me? Is it something I did? What have I done to deserve this? Please tell me. God, why did You allow this person to do this to me? What did I do? Why? Someone please tell me. And then you’re left thinking of all the ways you could have prevented it. What

There is an enormous amount of power behind words or the "labels" we give ourselves. Saying things like "I'm so stupid"; "I'm messed up"; "I'm crazy", or "I'm bad" manifests itself - and even said in jest, it becomes ones reality. It's easy to be negative because it requires no effort and society does not reward positivity the way they do self-deprecation. There's a delicate balance between positivity and negativity and the language we use to speak to ourselves can make or break us. Instead of saying "I AM...", rather say "I FEEL..." - because "feelings" are fleeting and do not last, and they denote a temporary state that has a definite end. Saying "I FEEL sad" instead of "I AM sad" distingushes the character from the emotion - because what we feel does not define who we are.  On the flip side, we live in a society that is flooded with false positivity or

Personal growth never was, nor will be a peaceful or glamorous experience. It doesn't come when you're "ready" or at a time that's convenient for you. It hits hard, in the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected times. It turns you inside out, leaving you gutted and raw, gasping for breath like a fish out of water. And the more you fight it, the more drenched you are in existential anguish, desperately searching for an end but only prolonging the inevitable. The only way out, is to surrender to it and learn the lessons. "Life is a storm, my friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes." ~  Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

You can't save everyone.  The truth is, some people are committed to their suffering and regularly feed their pain with defeatism, because they don't know who they are without it. Pain and Suffering becomes a part of their identity and they actually derive gratification from being in that state. Simply put: they are secretly in love with and committed to being miserable. You can't save everyone. They have to save themselves first by recognizing that we are not defined by where we come from or what happened to us while we were there.

"I believe churches are meant for praising God. But so are 2am car rides, showers, coffee shops, the gym, conversations with friends, strangers, etc. Don't let a building confine your faith because we will never change the world by just going to church, we need to be the church."  Similarly we will never change the world by just going to Mosque, we need to be the Mosque. The essence of worship is not limited to rituals, it also includes action and requires us to be proactive. There is an element of worship to be found in the simplest things: a "thank you"; being good to those who can do nothing for you; a smile; sharing a piece of bread; being good to your friends, family, neighbours; staying conscious of God; and at every point of gratitude we express. Worship is so much more than the confines our feeble minds have placed on it.

There’s something enthralling about climbing an active volcano. The very act proposes the threat of annihilation at any moment – and yet you will not feel more alive doing so. Mother earth will not hesitate to eviscerate your ass with vigour. But in the seething cauldron churning beneath the earth’s crust, you can almost hear her fragile heart beating. For someone who’s always intrigued by death’s secrets, it becomes a game of roulette. There is something reassuring about being on a live volcano. See, with every mass destruction comes something less ominous - the birth of something new. And THAT, is always a beautiful thing.

Sometimes we will navigate the dark winding canyons of Life, aimlessly, for what feels like an eternity. We will navigate in the cold, hearing the echos of our past demons call out to us, cloaked in our anxieties, finding no comfort or joy. But then sometimes, when you least expect it, Life will surprise you. And before you know it, you've found the light.

So I promised my dear friend Randy, that I'd put on my big girl panties and get back to writing. This is me keeping that promise.  There was a moment - a twinge of regret - as I sat here wondering why I deleted my previous blog. I mean, it had housed a plethora of my best work over the years; some of which I would never be able to replicate. But.  There's always a but. Sometimes we outgrow things, and places and people, and then we have to do the most painful thing - let go. And that's what I did. I still wish I'd done something to keep all the content... but at the same time, I know I'm not who I was when I wrote those posts. That Az withers in the dust in the annals of time, along with the hours and days and words she invested trying to build a world that no longer exists.  So it's just me. Here. Now.