On Betrayal...

Sometime this weekend, it hit me that it’s been a year since my life was turned upside down. The realisation startled me only because it’s been one of the worst years of my life, filled to the brim with betrayal and every other kind of deception – so it’s difficult to keep track these days.

The devastating thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy. It only ever comes from the people we love, trust and cherish the most. And at first, it leaves you reeling, gasping for air, a knife in the gut while you grapple with denial.

No, this person wouldn’t do that. They would never… they didn’t… did they?

And then come the dreadful questions and existential angst.

Why? God? Why? Why would they do this to me? Is it something I did? What have I done to deserve this? Please tell me. God, why did You allow this person to do this to me? What did I do? Why? Someone please tell me.

And then you’re left thinking of all the ways you could have prevented it.

What was it? What did I do? What could I have done differently? These mountains I’ve been carrying… the hours and days I spent… these boulders in my chest… was it not enough? Why wasn't it enough? Why wasn’t I enough? What more could I do?

Then at some point, comes a stark realization, that no matter what you did and what you didn't do, or what you gave up - it was never going to be enough. Because it was never about you.

You could have carried every mountain, and crossed every ocean, and it still wouldn’t have mattered because some people don’t care about anyone but themselves.

They don’t care about you. They never did.

This is the most heart wrenching, gut wrenching part of all, a twist of the knife.

Once the realisation sets in, so does a particular kind of numbness. And just like that, nothing else exists outside clenched teeth, a knot in your chest, a thick lump in your throat, and an unshakeable hollow void that sets in.

But still, you carry on. You put a smile on your face, and one foot in front of the other. Measured breaths and glazed eyes, while moving along in the world, defeated.

The answers never come. 

"When I die, bury me standing, because I've spent all my life on my knees”.