On Wandering Too Far... (& Being Lost As Fuck)
Forgive me, while I chew on these three cashew nuts before I launch into a diatribe of this catastrophe I call Life.
Except, I'm not quite sure where to begin, dear reader. It's just that - for the first time in the six long years that I've called the desert my home - I find myself questioning my place here. And I can't quite put my finger on where it all went wrong...
Something's changed and upon further reflection, I think I've figured out exactly what that is. See, for the longest time - my entire life actually - I spent most of my time waiting for this thing to happen. Something. Anything.
I spent all my days in school, staring out at the horizon, waiting. I spent all my afternoons at University, up on the roof, counting airplanes, waiting. I spent all my time in London strolling through the streets and the halls of every art gallery, waiting. Then came the past 6 years... every year, rushing through the days... waiting. Waiting for the summer, waiting for the year to end, waiting for the next contract, waiting for the next move, waiting for next phase, waiting for the ever after that never came... just waiting... thinking and knowing that at some moment...somewhere, somehow - something was going to happen and my life would change irrevocably.
And I think, dear reader, I've never been more wrong in my life. It's a rather painful admission - like a dagger in my soul. Yes indeed, there was a thing that did change my life irrevocably - but it was something I never expected in a million years. It is so inexplicably horrid, that I'd rather have someone pull my teeth with a plyer and bury them in the ground - in the hope that something will grow - than talk about it. I cannot even summon the will to recall the gory details...
Instead, my mind has finally come to the precipice of a rather haunting realisation - entertaining the reality that there is, without a doubt, absolutely nothing happening.
Nothing is happening.
Nothing is going to happen.
Nothing was ever going to happen.
I've been silently and tacitly waiting for something for so long, something good that would wake me up from the nightmare I called my life, something that would change the course of my destiny and this journey through hell... that I'm not sure who I am and what I'd do without waiting.
And for the very first time in my life I am lost in a way that is beyond measure. What now? Where to next? What to do? I have no answers and no clue what to do. After three and a half decades of waiting... I've run out of all ideas and next steps. And I'm furious... furious with myself, with people who have misled me, furious with God. Just, furious.
The only thing I did find this year - consistently and in droves and waves - is an ocean of endless bitter disappointment. Disappointment in things, situations and people. Disappointment in myself. Long, endless days, drowning in disappointment. Disappointment drenching these long lonely halls of Life, with nothing but a deep dark abyss of more disappointment waiting at the end.
Disappointment is the theme of every party here. Disappointment is everyone who said they'd be there but was nowhere to be found when the time came, or when it mattered. The well of disappointment knows no bounds. It's filled to the brim with lies and deceit.
Disappointment is the name of the 8th day of the week. Disappointment is the month I was born in. Disappointment is a full steam-punk train heading in the wrong direction, down a rabbit hole, and I'm really, really struggling to get off. This does not end well. This is just another phase, I tell myself unconvincingly. The only thing keeping me going, is the certainty that death is inevitable. Just another 50 years to go.
Life may be a catastrophe but you sure as hell are not. I know that because you refuse to give up. You are a warrior. Just saying. "I'm not sure who I am and what I'd do without waiting." I hear you.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with waiting is that the thing we're waiting for may be a figment of our own imagination. The way I see it (when the sun is shining) we have to create our own hope. We have to create chances that no one else has in store for us. You know I don't believe in fate, so I will forever quote that terminator guy: "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." Even if that sounds like a sack of balls waiting to impress in the middle of winter, it could be true. You are the one who can make it happen, Az. I find it so frustrating -- and have told you on more than one occasion -- that someone as bright as yourself is never dealt an ace. Here's my advice: cheat. Do whatever it takes. I think you are too nice. Kick some nuts. Flip them that bird.
Don't talk about the thing that changed your life irrevocably, but don't let that fury destroy you, okay? At least try. Remind yourself of the fact that there are people who love you.
Disappointment is not the month I was born in. I, for one, am happy to have you in my life. It may not mean a lot but it is true nevertheless. "The only thing keeping me going, is the certainty that death is inevitable. Just another 50 years to go." Don't sound like me, Az. It's unhealthy. Let me do that stuff for you, and I don't even have another 50 years to go. I wish I did, disappointed as I am too. We blue people need to stick together.
Here's to sticking together Blue. I know exactly what you mean. I've been updating the blog here with stuff I've written over the past 3 months. Small snippets - but it's just the beginning. What would we do without you? Lord let us never find out. Thank you for all your kind and uplifting words friend. :)
DeleteYou mean a lot to me, Az. You sleep tight now.
DeleteHi Az, you don't know me but I feel like I know you. You sound very much like I did a decade ago only so much stronger (and a lot more eloquent). I have no magic words, or anything that will take away these feelings of disappointment but I can share that for me, there was light at the end of my tunnel and I hope you find yours too. I also hope you'll keep writing. You've got an amazing and powerful voice. Sending positive vibes and lots of light your way.
ReplyDeleteElsie
Az, let me re-introduce you to my friend Elsie. She is an excellent writer and a kindred spirit. I knew she'd be the first one to say hi to you. I just knew.
DeleteHi, Elsie. Az is asleep right now, but I know she'll stop by real soon.
Hi Elsie. Any friend of Blue is a friend of mine too (I love how that rhymes). Thank you for your kind and uplifting words - it means a lot to me. And I believe that there is a light... it's just taking some time to shine but it'll get there :) *Hugs*
DeleteI hate hearing, "It gets worse" from people older than I am (I'm 35, going on 36). I have no college degree, live in poverty in San Francisco and hate my retail job ('cuz employers and over-entitled rich people treat workers like crap here). I'm having to re-think my life and figure out how to make a living and be my own boss--'cuz working for The Man ain't doin' it. People I know are on disability. Friends and family I know have lost their homes in the Camp Fire. I want to escape it all. I'm burnt out and exhausted. Life should be more than this. I got my passport. I want to travel more. I have a lot of people to meet still and way more stories to write. I just have to start... Hope you find something interesting to keep you going. ^_^
ReplyDeleteDear Emerarudo. Thank you for your honest comment. I'm truly sorry to hear about everything that you have to endure at the moment. It's true that the most heartfelt support one can get is from strangers. Let me share a little more about myself: I'm 37, a South African, living and working in Saudi Arabia (because it's almost impossible to get a decent job in South Africa with a Humanities Degree). I teach English to society's elite here and the entitlement is enough to make me want to kill myself every day but I have to work to take care of my mother (and myself of course).
DeleteLet me know if you want to teach English on this side of the world if you're looking for something totally different. The colleges and Universities are different (opposed to Private Schools where I'm teaching) and it's on a contractual basis and they pay Americans well :)
Life can be a bit of a drag. I have stories and those stories have stories. Most of them kick or bite. But... I'm one of those ridiculously annoying people who always try to find a way to squeeze some light out of even the darkest of disappointments. After reading this, I wonder if in a way the same isn't true about you. Yes, life has been sucking and not providing that which you've been waiting for all this time. But... the experience fed your muse these words. And that is a good thing, and not disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI stopped by because your friend Blue Grumpster left a comment on one of my friend's blog. Grumpster invited a friend of mine--who happens to be one of the brightest people I know--to stop by and say hello to you. That is another good thing... And not disappointing at all.
Hope you get what you want (and need) soon.
Dear Magaly. Thank God for good friends like Blue. I think he's invited all and sundry to drop by here... and all this while he's not feeling too good himself... yeah you're right I'm blessed.
DeleteAnd you're right about seeing things in a new light - Im usually a purge type of a person with everything drenched in sarcasm and cynacism but at the very core - I'm an eternal optimist. My resilience is my saving grace and I try to remain grateful no matter how difficult things get.
Thank you for taking the time to drop by and comment :)
I did that... because you're you.
DeleteHi Az,
ReplyDeleteYou may have seen me around Blue's place. I just read your post. I can tell you are in a dark place and are feeling the frustrations of life. I won't lie to you sometimes life hurts. I think you are stronger than you realize, we humans have a thing called resilience that keeps us going even
when the odds are against us. I am a believer that when one door closes another opens up in the universe and if it gets stuck, I say put on those steel toed shoes and kick that door down. This
opens the way for a new opportunity. You have so much going for you, starting with your ability to write. Writing is a great healing balm and in my humble opinion you should keep writing. It helps one figure out things in a new light.
Tell me your dreams Az, maybe, we can nurture one give it some roots and help that dream push up through the darkness into the light. Sometimes we just can't keep waiting we need to get the watering can and grow in a new direction.
I have felt what you are feeling, betrayal and broken promises are never easy. Try and remember you are beautiful person and the only one of your kind. Take comfort in that and try to find that piece of light.
I am thinking of you and wishing your peace and comfort. Keep writing I want to hear from you.
Hugs from afar...
Az, let me re-introduce you to my dear friend True. She is by far the best poet on the planet and one of the most caring people I've ever EVER met. You may have noticed that we write poetry together (well, she does and I'm just trying). She's always around when I'm sad.
DeleteHelli True, thank you for stopping by. I'm touched and I'm sure Az will be too. She's asleep now, hopefully dreaming of better days to come.
Dear Blue's friend True - any true friend of Blue, is a friend of mine too :) Thank you so much for dropping by and taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it - and I especially appreciate it because Blue hasn't been feeling too well himself, and yet has taken it upon himself to rally on my behalf. I'm lucky to have good friends.
DeleteThing is, I've been to hell and back throughout my entire life so I thought I was done... until the latest and final blow - a betrayal that came from my Father. That's what really knocked me off the ground because it was really close to home. But I'm ok and dealing. It's difficult living in a foreign country without much support but I'm accustomed to being alone and dealing.
One day I will write a book (or seven) - or even a screenplay. I have been working on the storyline for a few years now. That's my passion and purpose at the moment but I need to be more disciplined in my approach.
Thanks so much for dropping by - it was wonderful to hear from you. Let's keep in touch :) *hugs*
Didn't I tell you True is something special? It's funny that you've been in lots of my drawings but never actually talked to one another. Well, that time is past and you have no idea how much it means to me to see you two engaged in conversation. It puts a smile on this blue face, I'll tell ya. True, you look after my friend Az, OK? And Az, dear, you deserve all the attention we give you because you give a lot back in return. Don't you disappear on us again. I'll find you.
DeleteHi Az,
DeleteI decided to swing back around and see what the new day brought. I am happy to see a more uplifted soul. Sometimes, those closest to us hurt the deepest. Sad but, true. One
day I believe you will write a book or even a screenplay. There is your dream Az, it's right
before you. You have the ability to make that dream a reality as you are gifted with words.
Make this dream happen, it all starts with a word, then a sentence, leading to a paragraph and before you know it you will have page 1. Let your passion ignite.
I will be watching :)
Blue is a dear friend and I am often blue so blue people tend to find each other.
I suddenly realize you are BOTH gifted with words. Well, I guess you don't need me anymore.... :D
DeleteOne of the biggest things I find when we realize such things about life is people tell you that same old crap. Oh, it will get better. Oh, there is something around the next corner. Oh, blah blah blah. Some other stupid platitude that they can shove up their rear end. Then you tell them that nothing has to get better, it may, but there is no law saying it has to and suddenly you're negative. Pfffft. I'm positive that they are full of crap.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, dealing with the crap people that break promises and leave you hanging and all that isn't fun. And when crap happens even worse, ugg, but can't let it weigh on you. Get the shovel and keep digging. May all be for not, but at least it gives one something to do in between mowing the grass and buying spinach lol hmm I think I may suck at this pick me up stuff. But that is what life mostly is, suckland with the odd commercial break of something good.
But in the end, what else is there to do? Just keep on a going. The light may show, the light may not, but best to see what happens in the plot.
Dear Pat. Thank you for commenting - it put a smile of my face especially because you took the time out to do so when you could be buying spinach and watching it wilt (and especially because Blue has gone all out of his way when I know he isn't feeling well himself) .
DeleteYour presence comes highly recommended by Blue (actually everyone who commented does)... so I shall remember your words "just keep on going" with reverence :)
Pat has weathered many storms and he's still going strong. It's a fact.
DeleteMany a storm indeed, so many that I don't want any more, but if they come, oh well, have to keep on a going. In the meantime I can watch that spinach wilt away. Or just let the cats eat it.
DeleteAz, allow me to re-introduce you to my friend Pat Hatt. I always call him Cat, and he's responsible for THIS book. Enough said, right? Pat was one of my first readers way back when.
ReplyDeleteYou are too cool Blue. Maybe I should pay you to be my Ad aggregator. LOL. How's $1 per visit and an extra 50cents per comment?
DeleteSomeone once told me that money doesn't make me happy, so I decline the offer :)
DeleteSomeone once told me that too, so I took all their money, they weren't happy.
DeleteHahahahaha! Good one! Not happy at all!
DeleteWell, for starters, Az, put down those cashew nuts and reach for the Godiva chocolates. Cashews are a disappointment.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know what horrible thing happened to you but I have had a thing happen to me that kind of wiped the slate with a dirty, nasty rag and rail-roaded me for quite some time. Whatever it is, don’t let that define you or push you into a direction where you feel trapped.
Honestly, I don’t believe you are aware of what a bright, sparky, smart-ass woman you are and how much joy you bring to others. Maybe focus on those small but most important things. Stop waiting, stop guessing and just live in the now. Might I recommend a book called “The power of Now” which did me a lot of good. And also, that beautiful quote form Aldous Huxley about treading lightly that you put on FB. Great British philosophy! Make it your mantra.
And reach out to those that care because they are in the wings only happy to give you what you need.
Love and hugs X
Well, no need to tell you who this wonderful and beautiful and wicked-smart woman is. I met -- nay, discovered -- the two of you more or less at the same time, and look at us now... Still liking each other and still going strong. Here's to you. I'm sipping that Bora drink!
DeleteI think God has answered my prayers Jules - it's a reunion!! Lord I missed you guys. The horrible thing that happened was my Father betrayed us (his kids) with one of our worst enemies... and we happened to discover he was living this double life behind everyones backs (with someone who is a sworn enemy of the family - someone who has persistently tried to harm us in one way or other)... it could have been any other woman... ANY woman. But he chose her and chose to ignore the decades of harm she did to our family. The result is I no longer speak to him at all and he managed to destroy our family dynamic. I no longer keep in touch with my step-mother or step-sister either because they still chose to defend him even though he betrayed them too.
DeleteThanks for your recommendations. I always value what you guys have to say. Love and Hugs xxx
I don't know what to say.
DeleteThere's nothing to say Blue. Since then, he's suffered two heart attacks and has some of these vultures (including this woman he chose over us) all waiting for him to die so that they can pounce on his estate. I have never seen a more foolish man in my life and Lord I pray that I never meet with such foolishness for the rest of my life. May God forgive him for the decades of mental and emotional abuse he rained upon us, and especially for what he has done at the end... because there are many, MANY people who will never forgive him and will never forget.
DeleteI read the first two lines and said, "Jesus Christ" out loud. Damn, Az.
DeleteFamily betrayal is the worst. These are the people who should never betray you. We put them on that pedestal forgetting they are still people. What a horrible, crushing reality. Az, pull close to the rest of your family and repair together - and you will. You will because you recognise what is good and what is not. Light always finds a way to shine in the darkness. Take care of you x
DeleteOne day... ONE DAY... we are gonna get to Bora Bora!
DeleteAnd I know what you'll look like: CLICK!
DeleteFamily betrayal is indeed the worst thing. Like they say, "Betrayal" never comes from an enemy. That's what makes it so difficult to accept. But I've made my peace with it (largely) and while we will never be the same again, I'm looking to build a new, better life.
DeleteAz, I see you're in a dark place right now and might have been for a long time but things can get better. I suffer from depression and Agoraphobia and I've had to claw and scratch my way out of a dark abyss a time or two. I know the dark place you seem to be in and the only way to change things is for you to change them. Stop waiting for something to happen and make it happen. Make something small happen. Something that would make you happy. I don't know what would make you smile for a little while but you do. Try something small at first. Things can get better. They might not be fabulous but you can find something to make you smile, even for a moment and that's a start. Stop waiting for something to happen and take it into your own hands to make something happen. I don't know what things have happened to make you feel this way but don't let those things keep you down. You deserve better.
ReplyDeleteAz, this is Mary. We've known each other for a long time. Don't even remember how long. Probably a tenth of a century! Mary always speaks her mind and is the Queen of Freebies. I bet you didn't know that.
DeleteDear Mary. Thank you for your uplifting words. And you're right, I do deserve better. Thanks for dropping by. And thanks for being my Ad Pimp Blue. You're a gem.
DeleteHope you find a light in your life, we know it is difficult to find sometimes, or even impossible, but what if you are the light for others? Maybe you are not supposed to enjoy light but to give light to others. Find a mission, help others, inspire others, don't despair no matter what.
ReplyDeleteDear Dezmond. Thanks for stopping by... and interesting fact about me: I actually am the light for others because I'm both a teacher and counsellor to many. As the resident Psychologist in my circles, it's difficult to find someone who can help me as I'm usually the one helping everyone else. That's why I value the good few friends I do have - like Blue and Jules - who manage (time and again) to give me that support that I lack in my everyday life. Thanks for taking the time to comment :)
DeleteDezmond is an empath, Az. This guy -- I call him Dezzzmeister and he still hasn't kicked my butt -- can read between the lines like no one else. He's a teacher turned translator and has been through a lot. I guess what we all have in common is our dying wish to bring the art of sarcasm to a whole new level. (It's quite impressive, come to think of it.) The one thing I don't like about Dezzy is his shameless predilection for man boobs in many of his posts (a plethora!) while carelessly ignoring the ones in need of women boobs. It's a double standard I have never understood and I fear I never will. (Smile, Dezzzmeister von Dezzyland.)
DeleteI'm told I'm an empath slash part-psychic as well. But I am not expert on these things. I know I have a gift - and I have a gift of knowing things before they happen and healing others. But I cannot heal myself and I internalise too much :)
DeleteYep, that is the thing with us empaths, if we would get healed we would not be able to heal others any more, I think, only the one who suffers can understand the suffering of others, and that is the burden empaths carry with them. The pain makes you more sensitive to the pain of others.
Delete"only the one who suffers can understand the suffering of others, and that is the burden empaths carry with them" - right on the button here Dezmond :)
DeleteThe Internet is indeed a lovely place where strangers can calm and uplift a soul without judgment or reservation to offer the kind of support one won't get from friends or family. Peace and Blessings to you all! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you once again Blue - for rallying behind me and doing all my PR work when you're not getting paid for it - and especially because you've been doing all this while you're not 100% well yourself. For someone who doesn't believe in God, He sure does believe in you :)
But I am getting paid for it. I get to call you my friend. That makes me feel so much better. And if God believes in me and I turn out to wrong all over again, I will not hesitate to apologize till the end of time.
DeleteHi Az,
ReplyDeleteI am yet another friend of Blue.
I have been trying to make him a little less blue for quite a while and strive give him hope from time to time that his health may grow much pinker.
Blue asked me to stop by and say hello, and I read your post and noticed how unhappy you are. I, like all our friend here, want to try to help if we can.
I will tell you a little about myself. Although I am happy now and outgoing and confident and spit in the eye of life, it has not always been that way.There have been some very low points in my own life when I have felt like ending it all, particularly when I lost my wife nearly 7 years ago to cancer and also around your age and below, when I was struggling to find some purpose and meaning in my life. I was very shy and could not relate well to people at all (Blue will find that truly amazing), I had a terrible inferiority complex which was quite unfounded and I was just drifting through the quagmire of life without a rudder. I though the world would somehow come to my rescue and provide some sort of purpose and meaning. Like you, I waited and waited and waited for something to happen to get me out of this mire . . . . nothing ever came up and I grew resentful when nothing ever happened over and over again and like you I was disappointed and the whole thing spiralled down and down and down and I just wanted to die. If I did die then no-one except my parents and sister would notice or care much because you see I did not have many friends at that time. I had not realised yet that it takes two to make a friendship, two to make conversation, two to make a relationship, two to do a business deal . . two to make a smile, laughter, joy and companionship . . . etc
So what happened?
Gradually I came to realise that the only person who could change things was me. Instead of just sitting there waiting for things to happen. I realised that things would never happen unless I made them happen, no matter how hard that seemed to be. It started in a small way and gradually the negatives were replaced with positives. I started making the first moves speaking and writing to people and I found they always responded positively. Acquaintances were formed, friendships were formed, sometimes life long friends, particularity those I have met on line through blogging, and in real life too, and even a couple of ladies actually fell in love with me, but that is another story.This fuelled confidence and allowed me to be proactive in other areas, small at first and then in a gradually more significant way until I really did discover that life, although terribly cruel at times, is only what we make it ourselves and we can master it. Eventually I learned to say that my glass is half full instead of half empty.
I am now 75, three times your age, and for the most parts I find life is enjoyable and well worth living. I thank God that my earlier wishes of ending it all when I was in my 20s did not happen. I would never have met my wife, I would never have had my two children and I would never have enjoyed my adorable three grand children. Please take heart.
But it is never an easy ride all the time and I still get my down days. But if we can make more up days than down days the whole thing is much better for us. Please take heart Az.
Blue will tell you I like making people laugh and we have some fun on his blog along with the others, many of whom I don't know well at the moment.
I would like to be your friend and if I can help further I would be very glad to do so. Please visit my blog and pour yourself a cup of tea or coffee. I write a bit of poetry and write humorous stories and am sometimes just plain silly, it makes people laugh and is good for us too.
Eddie, my dear dear Eddie. You, sir, are one of the kindest people I've ever met in the blogiverse. It's a fact, and I thank you for taking the time to visit my friend and muse, Azra. You always know how to make me a lighter shade of blue.
DeleteAz, smooth-talking Eddie here (75) just said he is three times your age. You know that is a compliment, don't you?
DeleteMy pleasure, Blue and thank you for your kind words.
DeleteAnd if Azra is indeed a Muse I would be delighted to meet her . . lol
Are you Azra?
Dear Eddie,
DeleteThank you so much for taking the time out to come here and listen to me whine about life. When I grow up I want to be just like you :)
The biggest challenge for me Eddie, is that I'm too smart of my own good (this is not me tooting my own horn). I've met tons of people here from the expat community - but I almost always see right through people. I see their agendas, their lies, their ulterior motives and attempts at manipulating...and it puts me off. So even if there are that 20% of good souls among the rot - I just give up and prefer not to mingle with anyone. The Blogosphere tends to offer some reprieve in that there is less pretentiousness and judgement and more humour and inspiration. I would be delighted to drop by your blog (and all the other blogs from the people who have commented here). It's time for some fresh conversations and it's time for a new mindset in general.
As for being a muse - I've got a way with words (this is what my friends tell me). I have the power to be an inspirational speaker and I am usually the epitome of sarcasm on most of my posts :)
To cut a long story short, Eddie, she's my muse. There, I said it. Whatcha gonna do about it? LOL. Okay, I need to seriously stop hijacking Az's blog. But I just love seeing all my friends here.
DeleteWhat!!! You're hogging her all to yourself!!! 😁. Well she just dropped by to say I don't need a Muse. Lol. Az. I will reply shortly and thanks for the note and for stopping by on my blog.
DeleteAnd as for you, young Blue, I demand satisfaction. Choose your second and weapon and venue . . . and be prepared. . . . I challenge you!! lol
DeleteShe dropped by? Now, WHY am I NOT surprised, Eddie? LOL!!!!
DeleteChallenge accepted. My weapon of choice is.... BOURBON!
My Brit charm. Lol
DeleteChallenge accepted. Cheers.
This is an all to common refrain that I've oftentimes repeated to myself. "Something's gotta happen, something HAS to and this can't be it!" I can't say that I know exactly where you're coming from but I do know what it's like to be there. I got impatient with life and myself and that's easy to do as a chronically impatient person. It's made me into a person who is too focused on the "doing" part and not very good at the "reflecting" part. It sounds like you may be the opposite. What can I say as reassurance? It will get better. You'll do something and then you'll do another thing and then realize that you're not waiting anymore. I know you're a tough one so this must be really hard - hang in there and reach out a hand if you need anything at all. I'll be here!
ReplyDeleteAh, thanks Rooth. So nice to see you again :) I totally get what you mean.... life tends to happen while we're making other plans. For me the milestones always kinda snuck up on me - there was no great anticipation... and whenever I had those expectations I was sorely disappointed. I'm ok with this torture as long as there is some positive growth in the outcome.
DeleteHi Az, I'm Jax and found you through Blue's page. One thing I have learned in life is to never, ever wait for anything. If you want something, you earn it. Pick a couple of things that you want and then work towards getting it. ...and if you can't get it, take it. Well, within reason :) Like you, I find myself rushing through things just to find that I'm rushing through the next thing. With this realization, we can self talk ourselves to enjoy the present. Remind ourselves that we're rushing ourselves to go nowhere. As far as your life being a disappointment, you're alive and as long as you're alive, you can do anything! (Well, once again, within reason.) Keep your head up, Az (even if it's fake for a minute or two) and welcome back to the Blogger land where we can all band together for support. A friend of Blue's is a friend of mine.. so reach out whenever. I'm always available to chat with a friend.
ReplyDeleteYou may not remember this but I once turned you both into fish: CLICK (scroll all the way down). You looked prrrrrrrretty good! O and I think it's Jax who likes the word.... Eep!
DeleteThanks for refreshing my memory...and making me look crazy at work! I was giggling up a storm in my office. Those were the days..when it was all about fish poop and luscious hair.
DeleteThat about sums it up: fish poop and luscious hair! :D
DeleteHi Jax. Thank you for dropping by and offering your support. It means alot to me. And yeah you're right... we have options (mostly). The transition I'm in is more difficult than what I anticipated it to be, but any change takes time to adapt to. So I'm trying to remember that.
DeleteAz, you may not know this but Jax has the cutest desk ever.
DeleteA difficult transition just means a more rewarding result. ;) I look forward to hearing the outcome and of your success!!
DeleteHi Az
ReplyDeleteBlue dropped by my blog and asked if I could come by. My friend Magaly dropped by too. This blogging community is amazing!
I don't know you Az, but we all go through so much in life! I have been down that rabbit hole many of times, and at times, I didn't want to come back. But, what I realized, it's us to love. It's us to change. It's us to do. It's all about you!!!! It's good you are disappointed! Cry, scream, let it all out! I don't know if you meditate, but try. Sit and listen, try to do it as long as you can. You might not get your answers when you meditate, but you will start to get them after wards. Trust in you!!! Trust in the universe! You will be guided to where you are suppose to go! And, fuck everyone else! The people who are suppose to be around you, will be! The ones that aren't, won't! It has nothing to do with you, if someone treats you wrong, or doesn't want to be around you. That is their life, not yours! Send them blessing inside and walk. I know it's hard to do, (send them blessings), but believe you me, it's the best thing to do. Always, Always, never stop LOVING YOU!!! Every inch of you!! Hug yourself everyday and know, you are amazing! You are transforming now and I am so excited for you! You are feeling your soul, pointing you in a different direction, and you're not sure of what is next! Try not to plan, just do it! If it feels right in your soul, go for it! I know it will be scary, but that's the great part, trusting in you!! Don't you worry, your soul will guide you!! Sending you Big Hugs and Lots Of Love!!! Sorry, about the long comment!!
This blogging community is the best! Happy Dance!
DeleteAz, let me introduce you to Stacy. Not only is she as sweet as sugar that won't harm your teeth one bit, she is also one heck of a paintress! And I mean ONE HECK of a paintress. You will love all of her crows! It's a fact.
Dear Stacy. We live and learn don't we... thanks for dropping by with your assurances, the blogger community certainly has its gems. I don't mind the swearing... I do too much of it, but it's both a stress reliever as well as a form of artistic expression for me LOL!
DeleteBlue - you have a bunch of really awesome friends!
You're awesome Az!! Thanks for dropping by!! Keep being you!
DeleteBlue, you caught me! I swore! LOL! Forgive me! LOL! I just wanted your friend, not to worry about other people. I have done that most of my life, thinking I was doing something wrong, when I wasn't. But, as I said afterwards, say a blessing for them and walk away. It's all about the love. Loving yourself and sending out love. I was even sending out love, when I said, "and fuck everyone else"! LOL!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment about my art and that I'm sweet!
Big Hugs!
Well, you are sweet. AND you said fuck everyone else.
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