On Existential Crises...

I woke up this morning somewhat startled, & for a moment I couldn't remember where I was. Then, at some point during the commute to work, a very vivid, distinct memory hit me out of nowhere.

I was 9 or 10 years old & we were living in Cape Town - smack in the middle of winter. I remember because, who can forget those howling gale force winds rattling the back door's window panes, sounding eerily like a dead relative coming back to haunt us?

I woke up habitually at 5am in the mornings & got ready for school in the dark. I drank some coffee before making the trek across the sandy heaps of the empty veld plains to stand on the corner of the main road.

We stood there every morning, in the blistering wind & rain, waiting for a guy with a minibus to take us to school.

It rained every morning that year, with the cold wind slapping us every which way until it sank into our bones. I used to try to shield my 6 year old sister from the nasty wind, while we waited for what felt like ages.

Then, because he was doing my parents a favor, he would arrive in a huff, with a van full of high school students, & dump us right at the back of the van, in the trunk. I used to sit on an old Tyre, against the iced back window, staring into an empty dismal abyss... wondering how much rain it would take to drown out my miserable existence, while simultaneously dreaming of a normal life.

I think I knew, back then, that there would be nothing normal about my life. That there'd be many more days of me staring into an empty dismal abyss... wondering & longing & waiting for something that I couldn't explain.

I always grappled with my reality in that way. It always felt like there was some big secret, something hidden/ being withheld from me, & that as soon as I could figure it out, I'd be fine.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could never "get it". I was always falling short- always one grape short of a fruit salad- always one step behind. I could feel a pulse coursing through the earth's veins, but could never quite put my finger on it. It always eluded me.

And then it hit me this morning... in some ways, nothing's changed.

Comments

  1. I don't know why, but for some reason, this post somehow resonates with me. Some day, it'll all make sense. That day might not come in this life...but it will come.

    Glad to have found your blog again...

    ReplyDelete

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